13th Grade

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High School All Over Again

This is another post that I want to do in one of the most tasteful ways possible.

I love my job. I truly do. I get paid to learn.

How crazy is that?!

If I could do similar things for the rest of my life I would feel content at the end.

So whats the problem you may ask?

I believe the problem I have is the problem most people have at their jobs.

Coworkers.

I have some amazing coworkers in the medical staff.

Some of these doctors and nurses I would trust with my life any day.

Some of these residents, I would think twice…but with proper supervision, I would sort of trust them too.

Then there is a line of coworkers in my department which are beneath the medical staff.

They have no formal clinical training and most are there to transfer into another department of the hospital.

I call it 13th grade.

Its like an extended high school.

Most people spend their time talking about other people within the department.

Its scary how someone can literally spend 8 hours a day talking about others.

I like my down time because I can use it to talk to the other medical staff, and or read.

I am not the party pooper of my department, I just refuse to part take in these activities where all you do is criticize others within.

I am more than sure they speak negatively about me.

I do not mind it though.

I get paid to do what I do, and contrary to everyone else in the department, I start residency God willing in a couple months.

I just hope that they can see that this job, which pays and has great downtime can be used for studying, reading, and/or anything else that is productive.

You can also learn a ton about clinical medicine in this job.

Its all what you make of it.

Many people wish they had a job, none the less an opportunity like this.

What I am trying to say is that all this immaturity is getting very tiring and annoying.

A good lesson about all of this is learning to work with people all of intentions, and learning to meet them where they are at.

I have to admit, I do get along better with the janitors.

They just seem more empathetic.

On another news….I spoke to the director of janitorial services to do a one month stint prior to residency cleaning the floors.

How cool is that.

From waxing floors, to wearing a white coat.

I think that would make a great book.

-LizardoMD

Pathology 64

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Tiny, Tiny, Tiny Cells of Confusion.

I know I could never be a pathologist.

Never, ever, ever.

I think I would be bored out of my mind looking at tiny cells all day.

Also, I have a really bad memory of pathology 2 in medical school.

Here it goes.

In medical school grades are a bit skewed.

Getting a 70 meanings going out to celebrate with a beer and calling your parents to tell them how great your doing.

Its tough.

Its a lot of information.

And when its boring information, the tough, gets tougher.

I was not doing so well in this class.

But I stuck it through.

At the end of the semester I realized that I earned a 64 in the class.

A 64 is a D.

This means I would have to retake the class, and be off cycle from all my graduating friends.

This was a bummer for me.

Fortunately enough, my teacher was my neighbor.

Not a very good neighbor, but none the less a neighbor.

I asked to meet up with him concerning my grade to see if I could do any extra credit.

He said, he did not have time.

But later mentioned, maybe we can talk on the way to the airport on Thursday….Can you take me?

Thinking this was my way towards getting an assignment for extra credit, I accepted.

I picked him up and there was no mention of anything of my grade.

The airport was about 45 minutes from his house, and on the way there, there was small chi chat about cars, home, life as a doctor etc.

I am approaching the ramp at the airport and thinking…..it’s now or never.

We reach the terminal and as he was getting out, I asked about my grade and he says,

“Lizardo, I am going to teach you a lesson on humility. Take the class again with me next semester.”

I think that moment was one of the most confusing moments of my life.

All that time, all the hope…just to get ditched.

Next semester and comes along and I only end up taking two classes including his.

He sees me on the first day of class….as if nothing had happened.

He tells me to stay after class because he wants to speak to me.

He asks me what I had learned about this experience.

He tells me that I was “smart enough already”, and to not show up to class.

He said to consider the class passed, just come at the end of the semester to get my grade.

I could tell you I was lost in time, place, and or person but that would be an understatement.

I flew back home, and spend the semester studying for boards at home.

At the end of the semester, I came back and got my passing grade.

Truth of the matter is, I am still not sure what this lesson was about.

All I really learned was that I never want to be a pathologist.

-LizardoMD

Marry Your Best Friend

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So the other day at my job there was this huge debate about gay marriage.

Generally in topics like these I usually just keep my mouth shut.

I usually just plead ignorance and walk away because I realized that they usually get nowhere

or

It ends up offending someone who is same gender attracted.

Thankfully, I have this blog.

Where I can vent about these topics.

So what do I think about same sex marriage?

I always get asked this question because of my christian background.

It always seems to be a trap.

A couple of months back, I wrote an article concerning Russia, Soccer, and Gay Marriage.

Maybe this is part two.

I struggle to believe in marriage in the first place.

I am not afraid to say it…I have commitment issues.

Rather large ones too.

I am terrified of the thought of spending the rest of my life with someone.

I am terrified of being tied down.

But I know it has to be done.

We must face our daemons.

I look at my parent’s marriage and think….

I simply do not know how they do it.

Almost 30 years, when the longest relationship in my life has been a year and some…I think.

I am not a marriage expert but I truly believe that the greatest mistake people make in marriage is not marrying their best friend.

One would think its common sense.

Marry the person that you have been through ups and downs with.

That knows you.

That you can talk to, and feel understood.

So when it comes to the topic of gay marriage…

I find it rather annoying for people to debate it.

It really doesn’t make a difference to me.

What I do think is incredibly sinful is to marry someone for money, status, or personal gain.

Even worst…marry someone because of an attraction, but not understanding the truth of commitment.

But there should not be any judgement on gay marriage, straight marriage…..or any other (if there is one).

As for me…..I just want to marry my best friend.

I know its the only way to make it last.

If not…Ill marry soccer :p

-LizardoMD

Shrink Talk

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You Got a Shrink?

I am not ashamed to say it, I am sort of a nut.

Maybe that is why I am so set to pursue a residency in psychiatry.

I remember when seeing a psychologist or a psychiatrist was such a stigma.

Maybe it still is.

For me, its not.

I was kinda a late bloomer with a lot of things.

I grew up kinda of sheltered in many ways.

Always played by the rules.

I was well traveled, highly educated, and structured, yet…not me.

Its been a great last couple of months of coming out of my shell.

Its been a transformation for sure.

I am 29 years old, and just started to leisurely drink about 8 months ago.

I have never been to a night club.

I have been to three bars in my whole life. All this summer, and all in New York.

Never done any drugs. I never really saw the appeal of them.

I did have a euphoria for fast cars, and even though I currently quit driving, I have had 15 cars in total.

But I have not received a viable ticket in about 8 years.

Unless I was on a trip, I could probably count the amount of times I have slept away from my personal bed. Always been a homebody.

I am not slow at anything….I just spent a great deal of my life playing by the rules.

So how does this tie in to my shrink….

Therapist teach me how its OK to go out and get into trouble.

Not breaking the law…but going outside of my usual boundaries.

Its really been an amazing transformation.

Taking one challenge at a time.

I have probably stood up, stepped out, and taken a stand more times this year than any other year of my life.

I feel like the best version of me is just beginning to shine.

Its been a slow process, but its been a great one.

One step at a time.

-LizardoMD 

10 Years

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Save the Last Dance…For Me

If you are over the age of 28 and reading this, you should stop and go see the movie, 10 years. Its a modern day version of a 10 year high school reunion amougst many friends.

Its probably one of the best movies I have seen in a while. No surprise ending, its also a drama/comedy, so don’t get too excited. But its a good movie.
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I personally just skipped my 10 year reunion a couple of months ago. I did not have the guts to go. Mind you, career wise, I probably blow about 90% of my colleagues out of the water, yet I felt insecure about going. One, it was because of where I was in my life. I just felt like a loser. Two, I am not sure I was ready to be with a group of people from my past and hear about how great live has been for them.  Call me selfish, call me weird…I simply was not emotionally ready.
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The movie shows you the real aspect of life. It shows you how one became an entertainer, yet felt alone. Another a big shot in New York, yet lived in a shack. The party girl had two kids from two different fathers, etc. etc. Its the untold stories of the people you connect with after all these years and they tell you how great they are doing.
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There are very few people from 10 years down the line that I would want to connect with on a personal level. But those that I do, I would like for it to be real.
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I don’t know anyone who has a great decade. Maybe a great month, or sometimes even a year….but decade? If you are one of those, Ill be a licensed psychiatrist in about 5 years, please make an early appointment.
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I hope this motivates you all to be real with those that we cross paths with.  I hope I continue to weed out, and surround myself with real people.
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The second thing the movie shows you is how to finish what was started over a decade ago.
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 Many of us have a lot of that.
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This is going to sound extremely weird, but I grew up in a church that was part of one of those christian worldwide movement. Most of my ex’s are part of the movement still.
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I know…kinda of of cultish sounding.
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What does this bring to the table….at a lot dating in the same christian circle.
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Even though I no longer identify myself with that movement, I do still visit one of the local christian churches, and every couple of months I come face to face with a ex…or two.
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 Its so weird. I mean….if there is an awkward to the billion power….it would begin to symbolize those moments.
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In the movie 10 years, one of the central characters gets to go back and see his ex from high school. It was one of those deep friendship/relationships that we might have gone through at one stage or another, or in my case 3 times. They get together and have one last dance, and share about their lives.
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One is pregnant, and the other one is about to get engaged. For them, in that dance, they spoke and simply let go of any unfinished business. Wished each other well, and prepared themselves to get on with life.
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 I wish I could have that dance with many of my ex’s.
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For some reason, every time I bump into one of them, I feel like there is unfinished business. We are still friends, but its like something is still there. Maybe I am making too much out of this. Maybe this is how everyone feels when they see an ex. I am not sure.
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I really wish I could have one last dance.
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 -LizardoMD

You Speak To Satan?

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Good or Bad?

Psychiatry is good.

Why?

If you speak to God, it a show of progress. You are connecting with a higher being, and you will be reported to be released.

What happens if you speak to the opposite.

Lets say Satan?

Well, in that case, you are delusional, psychotic, schizophrenic amougst many other things.

Why is it so?

Even though I completely agree with the strategy, I wonder if its that we are not equipped to deal with the bad?

Is it the we only want good feelings of hope, grace, and good fortune?

Are we wired this way, and this is the reason we react the way we do to the negatives in our lives?

I keep hearing over and over again from people with serious mental health issues that they know the system, and they know how to cheat it.

The truth is…they surely do know how to.

The system is easy to pattern.

I realized that some of the people who I see as patients are some of the smartest people I have ever met.

Everything from SME of industries, to Rhode Scholars, to graduates from top universities.

It does not take a rocket scientist to see the system and be able to break it.

All it takes is one or two stints in the “nut house”, and your ready to go.

Anyone can break it.

Which brings me to a concern about how things are going in the mental health industry.

At the moment, I am in no way of authority to even try to change things up.

But when I am finished up with residency, and I am my own boss…I am going to do things differently.

Not to be smarter than my patients.

But to genuinely help them.

I do not want to be the doctor that feels like is helping half way.

Or feels cheated.

I want to be the best.

I also believe my patients deserve the best.

I love my career.

I love what I do enough to try to make it different.

-LizardoMD

True Colors

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Are Those Your True Colors.

I work with people who are under the influence.

The influence of all sorts of drugs, alcohol, or cocktails of both.

During this time, patients say some of the most colorful things I have ever heard.

They never seize to amaze me.

The thing is, after they wake up, they have no recollection of the things they said.

I later find me asking them about racism, homophobia, narcissism and others, and they claim that its not part of their character.

Why is it that when we are intoxicated we say such things?

Could it be our true selves being verbalized without inhibition?

Could it be that we are all mean, and hateful inside, and we as society have learned to control it?

I do not believe so.

I believe that the things said when under the influence of any drug, are not what our inner true selves are feeling.

I believe that what happens is that we find ourselves without any control, and we verbalize things in order to get a reaction from the person we are faced with. In this case, the guy with the white coat, or the family member driving them to the hospital.

Whenever a patient under the influence is alone they would suppress to crying and being depressed, but when surrounded by people, they would go belligerent once again trying to attain control.

Where am I going with this?

I have no idea.

But considering that most of my conversations are occurring with people that no longer remember me in the morning, I am starting to make key observations that I thought the world should know.

Why?

Because we have all been hurt by something said by someone who is intoxicated.

So my advice is….

Please do not take it to heart.

Its not their true selves.

Its just someone who is striving to get some control, in a situation in which they have none.

-LizardoMD